Ten things I learned from metal videos.

The other night as I cooked dinner and sipped on some bubbly, my newly discovered obsession, Pandora Radio, supplied the tunes. Set to Hair Bands Radio, there were, I’m embarrassed to admit, far too many songs to which I knew every word, had crushed on the lead singers, and could still remember the videos. And as I cast my mind back to the decade that good taste forgot, I thought about some of lifes big lessons that I had learned from heavy metal videos.

1. When it comes to less is more it can only mean one thing. Less clothing and more hair. Hair band chicks could usually be seen in a scrap of stretchy fabric, usually red or black, which served to display everything the rock god had to look forward to. The hair was permed, teased, and bleached to within an inch of its life. As for the exact size of hair there was only one important rule. See below.

2. NEVER, but NEVER, have bigger hair than the guy. EVER.

3. Speaking of guys and gals, metal dudes love babes. If you want to snag such a man you might be pleased to learn that he will probably be far more impressed if you work at a strip club rather than by any degrees you may have. It also helps if your name ends in double vowels, such as Brandii or Nikii. You don’t need an opinion or any conversation skills as your primary role is to look good on his arm. When looking for a hot metal dude to fool around with the best way to get his attention is to writhe around on the front of his car. Complete with your big hair, small dress, and pointy patent stilettos. If that fails there’s always the backstage door.

4. Don’t be alarmed at the thought of a guy wearing clothes that can best be described as tight, shiny, or plastic. If his pants looked like they could cut off circulation and end the thought of any future offspring, then so much the better. Chances he won’t be wearing much more on his top half than a leather vest, suspenders, or some vaguely S & M looking straps crisscrossed every which way. Bonus points if there’s any chance whatsoever of him being mistaken for a female. And remember, these guys are serious. They mean business, and as a result you won’t find any shots of them smiling or laughing. Unless it was taken at a strip club.

5. The most fun you can have at a concert is headbanging. Everyone doing it in sync is something truly magical to behold. A sore neck the next day is a small price to pay. It’s either headbanging or holding a lit lighter up in the air, and stuff doing that. While at the show expect to see the drummer in a cage. Because, why not. And whatever you do, pay no attention to the lyrics. It’s basically either hey-baby-let’s-go-back-to-my-room, or dark and gloomy dungeons and dragons shit. Shit either way actually.

6. Life looks better when it’s foggy. Or misty and shadowy. Look for a good fog which should swirl around your ankles as you perfect your seriously smouldering pout. When you need to get serious and angst ridden always opt for black and white. Nothing says power ballad better than shadowy and foggy black and white.

7. You need a strong liver to be a metal dude. Because, you know, posing with a bottle of Jack Daniels is pretty full on.

8. You never can use the word “rock” to excess. Rock on, let’s rock, are you ready to rock {a shriek on the last word would be called for there}, and my favourite, let’s rock this joint. Because if you talk about rocking so much then you obviously, er…, rock.

9. It doesn’t matter about having any actual talent in what you do, it’s all about how you look.

10. And finally, don’t forget that when in doubt, always add the double dots above a vowel*.

Rock on.

Ana.

*Also known as an umlaut.

8 Thoughts

  1. Omg Ana! I laughed so much with this post! So true!!! And some are obsessed in that era … still! I guess that’s why I like Steel panther – they exemplify that era ~ in a pisstake way 🙂

  2. This is one of the most amusing things I’ve read in a while, not just on wordpress, you nailed it too. I’ll never forget Lita Ford on some show in the early 2000’s saying hairbands were “coming back in a big way!” she might’ve thrown a “man!” in at the end of that sentence too, but it hasn’t seemed to return yet. Do you remember pre-Pearl Jam Jeff Ament, like Mother Love Bone days? He fit right in with this, he was pretty glammed up. Sometimes the best thing on the radio is an ’80s hairband, pure fun.

    1. I remember Lita Ford, I think her hair actually obscured her vision at times. But I didn’t know of Ament before PJ, maybe a good thing.

      And it was a fun listen, good every once in a blue moon.

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